Your family is grieving. Whether you're faced with the heartache of losing an adult child or the pain of having your child lose his or her spouse, your life has been turned upside down. Although you're already overwhelmed, there's one more responsibility you'll need to take on: helping your grandchildren cope with the loss of a parent.

Children and grief
Children grieve differently than adults. Although some children may seem fine, that doesn't mean they aren't grieving. Children can't focus on their feelings for long. By concentrating on other things, they protect themselves from emotions they may not be ready to handle.

Children who lose parents enter and exit grief throughout their lives, feeling it most during significant events like graduations, weddings and the births of their own children.

Their understanding of death
A child's understanding of death depends on age. Children under 3 years of age don't understand the concept of death. They do sense the stress around them, the change in routine and the absence of the parent. Children 3 to 5 years old understand that the body stops functioning when someone dies, but don't understand that death is permanent and that their parent isn't coming back. Children over 6 years of age understand what death is and that it can't be reversed. These children often fear that they, too, will die.

How grandparents can help

• Choose your words carefully. Remember that children take your words literally. Saying that "daddy was sick" may make them afraid to catch a cold again. Instead, tell them that their parent was very, very ill.
• Don't hide your own feelings. It's OK to let your grandchildren see you cry. Share your emotions and tell them you are sad or lonely.
• Accept and respect their feelings, even if they aren't the same as yours. If your grandchild expresses anger towards the parent who died, recognize that this is a stage of grief and will pass. Be supportive and don't impose your own feelings on your grandchild.
• Keep the lines of communication open. When your grandchild wants to talk, give him or her your undivided attention.
• Let children express themselves nonverbally. Encourage grandchildren to draw pictures or write stories that tell you how they feel.
• Assure them that they will be well cared for. Let them know they are loved unconditionally and that you're there for them. Children who lose one parent often fear they will lose the other. Try your best to reassure them that their remaining parent is in good health and isn't going anywhere.
• Share your spiritual or religious beliefs. By sharing your beliefs, you can offer them comfort they may not have had otherwise.
• Honor the parent's memory. Visit the cemetery, plant a tree in memory of the parent or start a scrapbook featuring mementos and photographs.
• If your grandchildren have come to live with you, help them maintain old contacts. If the old neighborhood is nearby, try to visit frequently. If not, set up e-mail accounts and plan phone calls so your grandchildren can stay in touch with old friends.
• Be patient. Remember that everyone grieves differently, in his or her own timeframe. It's not for anyone else to say how long someone's grief should last.

Related Articles Emotions and Behaviors Associated With Grief Losing a Parent, Spouse or Child What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving Is it Grief or Clinical Depression?

External Sources University of Georgia College of Agricultural and Environmental Sciences and the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Helping your grandchild deal with the death of a parent. Accessed April 16, 2007. AARP. Helping grandchildren deal with grief. Accessed April 16, 2007.